Mommy Wars
I read a blog post by Libby Anne recently that caught my attention and I wanted to share it with you. It’s about the “mommy wars.” You may have heard the term. It describes the plight of mothers today who, in contrast to many women of previous generations, must choose between staying at home fulltime to raise their children or going to work fulltime and also raising their children with the help of daycare, etc.
While it’s great to have choices, every choice involves a trade-off between things gained and things lost, and this is one choice where it’s particularly easy to get caught focusing on what’s lost. I think on some level that’s understandable: we want the best for our children and we by nature are more keenly aware of risks and deficits that opportunities and gains.
This creates a level of anxiety among today’s moms about whether they’re doing enough, about whether they’ve made a good choice, and even about whether they’re good moms in the first place. Unfortunately, out of this anxiety and insecurity comes a desire to reassure oneself, too easily at the expense of moms who have made different choices. As Libby writes:
My daughter is in daycare. When I walk or drive past a park while she’s in daycare, I immediately suffer a bout of guilt. I see the other moms there with their young children, and I feel guilty that I’m not doing the same, guilty that my daughter is in daycare, guilty that I want a career and life apart from my offspring.
But then I start justifying. My daughter is gaining excellent socialization skills. My daughter is getting to do all sorts of crafts and activities. My daughter has a diverse array of friends. I try desperately to convince myself that I’m a good mom, even if that means looking down at stay-at-home-moms in the process.
And so it goes. I think these observations relate to parenting more generally, and that includes choices dads also have to make about balancing career and family, but I also think that roles for women have changed so much and so quickly that it’s particularly difficult for moms. As I’ve often said in presentations about the changing nature in which we fashion identity, when my mom went to college fifty years ago she had two major career paths she could choose in addition to being a wife and mother (which were assumed): a teacher or a nurse. When my daughter goes to college in six years, her choices will be nearly infinite. We don’t yet know how to evaluate and balance all those choices and so we are less sure in our identities, and this is particularly true for women.
So the obvious question is how can we come together as in our communities – local communities, blogging communities, faith communities – and collectively recognize and articulate 1) that parenting is hard, 2) that none of us really knows what we’re doing, and 3) that we all have to make choices that involve trade-offs. Out of those shared admission and convictions, perhaps we can then also 4) agree to try to deal with our natural insecurity by supporting each other rather than comparing ourselves against each other.
Is this idealistic? Maybe. Difficult? Definitely – because, let’s face it, it forces us to name and take responsibilities for our insecurities and needs ourselves. But I also think it’s important, really important, as parenting is hard enough, and important enough, that we need each other’s support!
Let me know what you think. And, in the meantime, you can read the rest of Libby’s post here.
As a veteran of the mommy wars – I have worked full-time since 1976 and raised and launched three kids – I now watch as my daughter struggles with going back to her job as a kindergarten teacher after her second child. A generation later – the feelings are similar -“can I be a good mom when I’m away from my kids so many hours of the day?” and “I want to set an example for my daughters.” Some days it is hard not to feel envious of mom who get to spend the day with their kids.
But this much I know – moms (and dads) want the best for their children and each family has to make the decisions about work and family on their own. And moms need to support and encourage one another in those decisions. Make peace, nor war!
Like Sally, I have a daughter who has two children, the youngest is only 4 months old. She is able to be an at-home mom. Her almost 3-year-old daughter will be ready for pre-school this coming fall. She loves being home with them, but she knows she is sacrificing some things. I was able to stay home or work part-time till my kids were in school. I consider myself very lucky. I started young and could focus on career after they were school age. I see a lot of women who are in the midst of a career navigate starting a family. They cannot just drop it all to be stay at home moms … I even hate the designations: full-time, part-time, stay at home, career “Mom”.
The most important thing you can do as a parent is to enjoy spending time with your kids – whenever, wherever that can happen. Not feel guilty about the time you cannot spend with them, but to BE PRESENT with them and to make that space and time for them. And if you have to sacrifice higher income for more time – – do it! Time is precious.
I know that this was not a “how-to” post. This is a do the best you can comment.
And having the grace to accept “the best you can” in ourselves and others. Thanks, both Sharon and Sally!