The Problem with Popular
“Why are the popular kids usually mean?”
The question came from a friend, a parent of kids that go to school with my kids. We were at a bar mitzvah and watching the interaction of some of the kids gathered. Her daughter had just been blown off by a group of the “popular” kids and, as any parent would in her situation, she winced. Her daughter was fine, of course; kids have thicker skin than we sometimes imagine. But it still hurt, for all of us.
Why are the popular kids usually mean? It’s good question. I didn’t have an answer at the time, but as I’ve thought about it since, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s because the very category of “popular” demands exclusion in the first place. I mean, if there aren’t unpopular kids, how can there be popular ones?
The problem isn’t with the kids; it’s with our categories of interaction. If some kids have to be shunned so that other kids feel good about themselves, then we’re all stuck. Is there a way out? The only one I know seems to be avoidance. Or as my daughter once said, “I don’t want to be unpopular, but I don’t really want to be popular either. Can’t I just be me?” She’d seen enough of the in/out distinctions and wanted nothing to do with them. So kids like her lay a little lower, trying to avoid the cliques on either end of the spectrum, being generally nice to the kids around them, and hoping not to get pulled in either direction. It’s a balancing act that is far from easy.
But what if the only option weren’t avoidance? What if we talked with our kids about another way altogether? That is, what if we talked with our kids about doing away with the categories of popular and unpopular by actively seeking out different friends and mixing socially with a variety of kids. Utopian? Maybe. Difficult? Definitely. But don’t you think there might be some value to sitting down and talking with our kids about their experiences of the social scene at school? I think they might actually value a chance to share their feelings about the social distinctions that they begin to experience in late elementary and early middle school and reach a fevered pitch in high school and college. Building on that, might we even talk with other parents – the ones we know best, at first, but eventually others, too? Might we engage our school teachers and administrators, youth group leaders and pastors, in a conversation about how to overcome the popularity problem?
Look, I know this is risky. Some parents have staked their lives on the code of popularity and can’t imagine anything better than schooling their children in the rules of inclusion and exclusion in the hope that they will be “successful.” But there are others – and I suspect their numbers are larger than we might think – who might be ready for a conversation about overcoming all that for the sake of our children and, truth be told, ourselves. Because at the bottom of the popularity problem is our own human insecurity, and the pecking orders we establish might lend some order that insecurity but they do not banish it. The only thing that banishes insecurity is acceptance, the acceptance that comes from forming a genuine community.
So I’m inviting us to start this conversation and to see what resources our families, schools, and congregations can bring to the table. Maybe especially our congregations. Because, after all, across the New Testament there is one theme that remains consistent: whenever you draw a line between who’s “in” and who’s “out,” you’re bound to find Jesus on the other side. I think our kids near to hear that.
Thanks for sharing your ideas.
We adults serve as the role models for kids and unless we model acceptance and unless they see that we do not divide ourselves into age groups, social strata groups, etc. IN the church, they will never learn how to do so. Much as we don’t like to think so, churches are some of the most painful places for people to feel on the outside and never being able to break in because they are perceived as being in some way different from the “us” of the “in groups.”
I am in the thick of this very issue. My son is not as affected but my daughters are really hurt by the exclusion. Unfortunately, many of the popular kids show up to our church for their confirmation. Instead of forcing my youngest to go to this, like I did my oldest who has opted out of church all together, she is going to a bible study where the focus is not on the social but on the bible. She has a strong faith so missing confirmation is not a problem for her. Just a man made rule.
This is the practice of avoidance but maybe we should rethink this. I like Dave’s idea to encourage acceptance instead. I will definitely talk to my daughter about this.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insight, Judy. This can be such a painful experience – for our kids and for us. And I think there are times when avoidance makes sense, particularly when it’s our child who bears the brunt of things. The adults, as Ruthanne mentioned, are the ones who need to take responsibility for this, not just by encouraging our children to be more accepting but by modeling acceptance in our relationships.
We have always encouraged our kids (now 19 and 16) to try to follow the “middle way” –to be part of as many groups as possible, try lots of different activities, and to be nice to everyone. So far it seems to be working. I guess you could call both of them “popular” but they have many friends who are not really part of the “in” group, and in fact my daughter chooses NOT to sit at the “popular” table at lunch. Neither one goes to the parties or participates in the drinking that the popular kids do, yet my son was a homecoming king candidate and my daughter will be student body president next year. They are proof that you don’t have to accept labels…my son played football AND acted in school plays, my daughter is drum major AND a member of the FFA.