Who Shovels Your Kids’ Rink?
Helicopter parents. We’ve been hearing about them for a few years now. These are the parents that “swoop in” – hence the name – to check in on, and take care of, their kids even after they go to college and, more recently, enter the workforce. They have become the new norm for colleges to contend with – checking up on their kids’ food, dorm conditions, performance, and more. Indeed, the term “in loco parentis” (Latin for “in the place of parents”) seems all but obsolete as part of the description of college officials, as the parents never seem to be absent for long. Except that by and large these parents aren’t there check in to see if their kids are making a good transition to independent life or working hard enough to make good grades, but rather to see if they’re being treated well. Administrators have reported the incessant pressure for better food, dorm facilities, and social opportunities coming not from students but from their parents. And some of my colleagues teaching at colleges have even told me stories of irate parents calling them to challenge grades they’ve assigned.
But this doesn’t start when a kid goes off to college. Rather, it’s the culmination of many years of doing much, perhaps too much, for our children. As one Dean of Students an excellent nearby liberal arts college once said to me: “When we were kids and wanted to play hockey” – this is Minnesota so “ice” was implied – “we’d go to the neighborhood pond, shovel off the snow, mark the boundary, and round up enough kids to play. Today, hockey rinks are prepared by the city, parents have organized leagues, and all the kid does is show up to skate. When do kids ever learn to do anything for themselves?”
It’s a great question. I have to admit that I spend a lot more time carting my kids around to various activities than my parents ever dreamed of doing. I’ve said many times that one of the best things about living in the Twin Cities is all the incredible opportunities for kids…and that one of the worst things about living in the Twin Cities is all the incredible opportunities for kids. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge my kids any of this. I actually love taking them places. But it gets back to the question of how much they do, or don’t do, for themselves and when they learn initiative, independence, and perseverance. Most of us have been taking our kids to play dates – something I’m not sure even existed when I was growing up – since they were infants. They’ve spent far more time in organized sports than in neighborhood pick-up games by the time they reach elementary school. And they depend upon parental transportation, involvement, and supervision for a galaxy of activities that I’d never even imagined as a kid.
So how much is too much? We want the best for our kids, but might that mean not only providing activities for our children but also allowing them to solve their own problems? We won’t spare any expense to give them opportunities we never had, but will we tolerate the pain and anxiety we suffer vicariously as we watch them struggle with receiving a poor grade or muddle through an awkward social interaction? If we don’t teach them that hard work pays off, that not every effort will be rewarded, and that patience and perseverance are as important as intelligence and ability, who will?
What do you think? How have you approached these challenges? Do you ever worry your kids have too much? How have you striven to parent well without over-parenting? And – perhaps most importantly – have you found a couple of other parents to think all this through with. This may be one of the toughest challenges for today’s parents. Because we love our kids so much…and because we’re all first-timers…and because so much is changing so quickly, parents can be pretty insecure about their parenting – insecurity that can be assuaged either in reaching out to each other in need or approaching parenting as a competitive sport. The first requires you to be vulnerable, so often is the road less taken. The latter, perhaps because it mimics the larger culture, seems more common, only intensifying the pressure and insecurity inherent in being a parent.
So what have you experienced as you’ve tried to balance giving your kids opportunities but also teaching them responsibility? And whom have you found to support you? And what ideas might you suggest for ways we could help each other? And is there anything your local congregation could do to support you in the God-given role of parent? As one totally struggling with all these questions, I’m eager to hear from you.
PS: Lest you think the post-image and title illustration are slightly out of season, we had four inches last week – on March 1st, actually – and this is a mild winter! Ah, life in Minnesota. 🙂
PPS: In addition to the NPR piece linked above, here are a couple of pieces I found interesting.
Time on the backlash against helicopter parenting.
Perspective and advice from one college professor who’s also a mother.
Lisa Belkin on whether it makes even the parents happy.
And a quick little quiz on your own parenting style.
Awesome! As a pastor who has interactions with kids of all ages, it is amazing to see how crazy busy children are even compared to me who is still in his 20s (although the latter years). Neighborhood games of hide and seek, capture the flag, forays into the woods behind our houses till dusk all spoke of a time when we were left to our own devices to play. As a new parent, I am now all too worried about these things, so I would love to hear some answers…because right now, play times and schedules are about ‘tummy time’ and feedings. But next time I blink, I’ll have to meet these questions with my wife. Thanks for the thoughts and links.
As a new parent I too wonder about these issues often. I’ve been struck by recent conversation about American parenting styles vs. those in other countries.
I heard an interview with Pamela Druckerman about her book and was struck by the degree to which the French keep the kids at the center of their lives but don’t make them the center. I was thinking about getting her book to review here. Thanks for linking the WSJ article.
My wife is reading it right now, I’ll have her share her take when you post the review.
I am old and have already raised my children and helped with grand children. Fortunately, times were different then. My kids rode the bus or walked to school. Had a minimal amount of money to spend (that they earned) but were still active in sports and activities. I trusted my kids and they usually honored that and they were on their own when they went to college. Maybe we were too trusting and navie then but my kids grew up to be fine adults and citizens!
I contribute two perspectives to this issue: 1) People are much more mobile these days, and so generally do not know their neighborhoods as well as generations before them. My husband, son and I, for example, moved to the neighborhood in which we currently live last July. We are adjusting to a new state, a new city, new friends – everything, including a new neighborhood. 2) It seems to me that much of parenting today is focused on performance. I struggle with this, too. As in, “How good of a parent am I” or “How good of a parent do people think I am?” I think people think that the more attention they throw on their kids, the “better” parents they will be perceived as. Of course, you and I know that’s not always the case.
But how to change this? I don’t know if we can. I don’t know if we can change this shift into “helicopter parenting,” or if we just marvel at it as a societal change and do our best to raise healthy, happy, and independent kids in spite of it. Getting the conversation rolling is certainly a strong point – kudos to you for bringing these issues to light.
I am in my fifties. My mother lived in 41 different homes. I have lived in 14. My kids lived in the same house all their growing up years, so it’s not just mobility. I think a lot of it is “busyness” that keeps us from connecting to each other. We have to stop valuing multi tasking and having a full schedule.
It’s interesting that we talk in the church about taking up our cross and giving up our own self-centered interests but then teach our kids that they’re in fact the center of everything. When a whole family buys into an overly child-centered existence, how likely is it that the humility it requires to take up one’s cross will develop? I’ve started talking with parents about this even at pre-baptism visits. But I think it’s like the Time article says – nobody intends to get this way, it just creeps up on a family as they say yes to one truly great activity after another.
Thanks for raising the question. I am not yet a parent, but I am a (quasi)grown-up version of the child you are mentioning. In my recent psychological evaluation for ELCA Candidacy, I confessed (per my test results) that in my life today I over-schedule myself and find myself running around to activities all the time. We eventually got to the family history portion of my evaluation, and when asked what my home life was like growing up, I thought about it and said, “Well I had ballet practice, basketball practice, soccer games, piano lessons, choir performances, homework…” And the proverbial light turned on. I am deeply grateful for the broad spectrum of activities and interests my parents introduced me to, but my follow-up question to your question of when-do-kids-figure-things-out-for-themselves is: how did (or do) I learn how to a more focused place–err, to use an overly seminarian term, vocation–my place in all of this runaround?
My two boys are now 30 and 26 so my wife and I are not dealing with today’s pressures. For better or worse neither of my sons were much into sports so we didn’t have to face the “travel league” stuff. But I do agree with many who have commented that in the “good old days,” when I was growing up (in the 60’s) in a small town in central PA, we played more “pick-up” games then we did organized ones. So I think “unscheduled” time is good, even though I know it can lead to trouble too. But one rub is, as Christy’s note pointed out, we want our children to “be exposed to” and “experience” a wide variety of things. So how to we as parents chose which ones get omitted??? My final comment harkens back to last week – what do we value??? How do we present the “mighty acts of God” and a life of faith as “valuable” in comparison to the myriad of other choices??? How do we convince ourselves that regardless of what the Jones’ are doing, it’s OK to NOT run around like crazy folks??? It’s not only OK, but is good and valuable to have family time, especially at meals (dinner), and that our children will be OK, (or maybe even better) if they don’t do ALL of those other activities… Just my thoughts. (one PS – I’ve thought about offering “parenting classes,” but wonder who would find them valuable enough to come to???)
Great questions, Pastor Penman. Never underestimate the beauty and power of family meals. Three cheers.
Thanks for this post, David. An idea I would like to share about how churches can have a voice in all this is something our church has done for the past few years. We have a Parenting Group that meets monthly to offer parents (most of young kids but there are a range of kid ages and stages) support in this ever-challenging and ever-changing task of parenting. It has been a true gift to me and my husband (who had the benefit of starting the group since we are the pastors of the church and happened to have three small kids and needed the support as much as anyone!). We have a pot luck meal to which the whole family comes and then provide child care for kids while parents discuss issues/problems we are facing or an article or book that provides some content. We also pray for one another and for our kids. We’ve talked about the issues you raise in the post and although we haven’t solved them, it has helped to talk and brainstorm about how to be faithful to God as 21st century American parents who want our kids to be faithful too.
Thanks for the concrete suggestion and inspiration, Amy. It really does help to have folks to talk things over with…and to pray for each other.