Real Community

Posted by DJL on Apr 24, 2012 in Living Well | 1 comment

One more thing from Brene Brown. This time, not a video, but two recent posts from her blog. In the first she describes a recent experience she had writing for USA Today and the affect of unfiltered comments, some of which were incredibly insulting. As she writes:

Ironically, the essay is about the how difficult but important it is to show up and let ourselves be seen and the TED talk focuses on how gender norms are used as shame tools.

I knew there would be discussion and disagreement – especially because I talk about the word authenticity – a loaded term now that it’s been coopted and overused. I knew some people would hate it and other people would find fault with my writing or my argument. These are all risks that I’m willing to take because I believe in my work.

But I’ll be honest with you, I’ll never get used to the cruelty and personal attacks.

I’m never prepared for being called stupid, ugly, and pathetic.

In the second post, she thanks her readers for coming to her aid. Reading the kind messages of others – messages telling her that she is valued, that others have been there, that she is not alone – made a huge difference. Again, from Brene:

Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for reminding me that vulnerability can mean sharing our ideas in new places and that reaching out past our comfort is important. Most of all, thanks for saying, “Me too!”

One of the best things about a wholehearted community is the ability to borrow a little courage when you’re running low.

Two things that struck me about her recent experiences. First, there is no escaping the possibility of being hurt if you’re going to do something worthwhile. We’re used to hearing the adage, nothing ventured, nothing gained. But it’s more than that, as the thing we’re “venturing” is our own sense of ourselves. And so there’s no escaping the vulnerability, the sheer risk, that goes along with any creative endeavor. We can minimize some of that risk, as Brene suggests she will do in choosing not to write for sites that flourish by unmonitored, anonymous comments. But ultimately we can’t avoid them entirely. If we are going to remain open to human connection, we must be open to the possibility of being hurt.

But in addition to the ventures and connections we attempt that bear significant risk, it’s important to rely on the solid, safe, and nurturing connections available to each of us. And that’s the second thing I was struck by. We have the ability to care for each other – via email, notes, phone calls, and more. While we may have no choice but to remain vulnerable if we are going to try to make a difference, we do not have to walk the tightrope of risk, vulnerability, and making a difference alone. In fact, we’re a little crazy for trying.

So here’s my question. What do you need today by way of support? That is, what risk are you willing to take to make a difference? And who do you have near you who can help, who can support you and remind you that you are worthy of love and respect, who will stand by you as you venture something new? Name those people to yourself and take the opportunity to thank them.

Another question: when you look around, who do you see taking a risk, making themselves vulnerable in order to make a difference? Who do you see, that is, that could use your support? Even if they don’t know they need you, you can still reach out to remind them that you admire what they’re doing, that you know the risks involved, and that you are there for them.

In this way we can fashion a real community – what Brene calls a “whole-hearted community” – a community, that is, of people who don’t have it all together but, precisely because we’ve stopped pretending and have let down our armor for a moment can actually touch, support, and strengthen each other. In this kind of community, I think, we can risk much and accomplish even more because we are stronger together than individually.