Life Pitfalls: Confusing Busyness with Meaning
I’ve written a short series of “Leadership Pitfalls” over the last six months, but decided that this one might be better classified as “Life Pitfalls,” because while it certainly is something leaders fall prey to, I think it’s also something to which we are all prone and can sap much of the vitality of the lives we’ve been given as gifts.
And this “life pitfall” is quite simple: confusing keeping busy with leading a meaningful life. Actually, I’d go even further and say that we can also confuse getting things done with leading a meaningful life, or even achieving goals and living a well-lived life.
This last one is hard for me to admit, as I am ridiculously goal-oriented. (And what’s even more ridiculous is that it wasn’t until I was in my forties that I even realized that.)
What’s wrong with having goals, you might ask, let alone achieving them? (Okay, so I’m the one asking. 🙂 )
Nothing. As long as we don’t equate achieving them with living a meaningful life. They might contribute to a meaningful life, be a part of a life well-lived, even make the world a better place so that others have more opportunity to live meaningful lives. But achieving goals is a means, not an end.
And that’s what I sometimes forget. Sometimes comically, as when a relatively new friend and I admitted to each other that we like making to-do lists primarily for the satisfaction of crossing things off and will even, when we realized we’d already done something that was not on the original list, add it so that we can immediately cross it off and get that pathetic rush of adrenaline that only the truly goal-achieving – okay, okay, goal-addicted – personality can experience.
And here’s the thing: I’m not even remotely a Type-A personality. Honest. Ask anyone who knows me. I’m relatively laid-back, rarely worry, spend as much time as human possible with my family, and love what I do and both enjoy and value the people with whom I get to do it.
Yet I still get caught up in the treadmill approach to life all-too-often that values the present moment in term of what I’m getting done. Oddly, this doesn’t affect me longer term. That is, I don’t sit back and evaluate the previous year or decade in terms of accomplishments (or, depending on the year, the lack thereof). Rather, it’s the present moment or day in which I habitually try to squeeze in as much as I can.
“Habitually” is probably the key word here, as I usually don’t even notice it. But I know just how long my commute is, and so will habitually work on a blog post or email or getting the kids ready for school or whatever it might be until just the last moment when I can leave the house and get to whatever meeting awaits on time. And when I get in the car, I habitually listen to the headlines on NPR news for a few moments to keep up with what’s going on, then turn on a podcast to get me thinking, and then shave (electric razor) because – what the heck, why spend 15 minutes at home when I’ve got an hour in the car and there are few things easier. Okay, so I know that last one is terrible to admit because it’s dangerous and probably illegal, but I swear a) I’m safe, b) I never, ever do it when anyone else is in the car, and c) I wouldn’t even admit to it if I hadn’t just sworn off the practice for good. Honest.
So where did this ridiculous and habitual – okay, and at this point its probably time to add “pathetic” to the list of descriptors – penchant for keeping busy come from?
I honestly don’t know. But I have a hunch that I’m not alone in this quest of absolute efficiency (that’s what I like to call it) in the pursuit of worthwhile goals. Which makes me wonder if this condition isn’t somewhat of a pandemic and the causes are floating around in the cultural air we’re breathing these days.
Mad Men was the first long-form fiction – that’s what I like to call multi-season narrative television (like The Waking Dead, Game of Thrones, Orphan Black, True Dectective, etc.) because, well, it makes me feel better than just calling it watching TV – in which I immersed myself (and, yeah, “immersive television” is my term of choice over binge-watching because, again, it just sounds better). Anyway, as the program launches into its final season it occurs to me that this confusion of busyness with meaning might be a by-product of the hyper-consumerism that the ad-industry helped launch a half-century ago.
I mean, the key to keeping an economy ever more dependent on consumer-spending growing is to convince us that our lives our incomplete – that we ourselves are incomplete – unless we attain more. More…whatever. Shoes, computers, apps, square-footage in an apartment or house, elements to a resume, articles published. It doesn’t really matter. It just needs to be more. And it’s not that any of these things is necessarily bad in and of itself. In fact, it’s not really about the “stuff” at all; at least not for long, because once we possess it – again, whatever “it” is hardly matters – we now have it and it’s no longer more, so on to the next thing. (Which means that, ironically, in our pursuit for more, we end up devaluing “the thing in itself” that we want more of in the first place.)
In this sense, “more” has become the ultimate end in itself, rather than a means, and the quest for more has come to substitute itself for a meaningful and well-lived life to the point that we might argue – with our actions if not our words – with Jefferson and contend that among our inalienable rights is “life, liberty, and the pursuit of more.”
In this consumption-oriented culture, time has become one of these commodities. Indeed, one of the most valuable, as the time we have it inherently limited. And so we remind ourselves that time is money, to be valued not in and of itself but as something we can spend – foolishly or wisely – in the pursuit of goals. And so we – okay, I! – have succumbed to thinking that the “more” I can squeeze from my time the better I am doing, the better life I am leading.
“Be still and know that I am God,” the Bible says. “Sounds good,” I want to reply, “but has God seen my calendar…let alone my inbox?!?”
Which leads me to suspect that there’s another reason for the hyper-busyness (and, honestly, I really am reasonably laid back!) to which I fall prey, and that’s because the constant activity allows me to avoid making priorities and therefore making decisions. I mean, as long as I think I can do everything – and of course I know I can’t but you wouldn’t know it on some days – I don’t have to decide what matter most, I just keep pursuing everything with equal vim and vigor. A rolling stone gathers no moss…and needs to make no hard choices either.
But what if I decided to stop and smell the roses. Actually, that’s not the best metaphor, as it doesn’t really take all that long to smell the roses. I’ve tried it. You can pretty much just slow and just roll down your window. So let’s say instead that I decided just to stop. To choose two or three things to do and spend more time with colleagues or family or friends doing…well, pretty much nothing…because when I look back, it’s usually all those “nothing moments” that I remember most. If I did that, I’d then have to ask a series of questions that lead to some potentially hard decisions: how important is this task? Can some else do it? Is this meeting worth my time? Does email matter as much as I think it does? Should I really try to write two blog posts today? Or even one?
And along with those questions my habitual answers race back: of course it’s important, or you wouldn’t have put it on your list. And it’s easy to say email doesn’t matter, until someone gets mad you didn’t write back. And if you don’t post regularly, folks won’t read as often. And on and on.
None of these answers is definitive of course. They’ve already assumed the value-set I’m trying to question. But definitive or not, they are often persuasive.
So what to do? Particularly when my job requires that I get a lot done. And other people benefit when I do. And I benefit when they tell me they appreciate it. And on and on.
So another question, perhaps one more to the point just now: am I the only one struggling with this? Because I don’t think I can figure this one out myself. The tug of the allure of getting things done is too strong and my resources and strategies for combating it too meager – I’m saying this while flying to a set of meetings where much will be discussed and nothing accomplished, while listening to classical music (makes me feel “cultured”), and am hoping to get two posts written and catch up a bit on email. But perhaps together we can figure this out, or at least encourage each other along the way.
It’s not that I think it’s an either-or. I am fortunately to be able to do a lot of cool things and contribute to getting some things one that seem to make a difference. And I bet you are, too. So I don’t think it’s hyper-busy or zen meditation 24/7. I think instead it’s about being a tad more mindful (and, honestly, I kind of hate that phrase, maybe because I’m not that good at it) about the choices we’re making. So I’d be interested in your experience, your wisdom, and your counsel. Leave what you want to share in the comments (please not more email 🙂 ), and while I may not comment back, I promise to make the time to read it.
David, you must have been listening in on a number of conversations I’ve had with my best friend, my husband and my pastoral partner (3 different people)! Our standard joke to each other is this: One bragging to another, “I got so much done today. I did this, and this and this and this. Crossed off everything on my to-do list.” To which the other replies, “Well, I guess that means you can go to heaven.” 🙂
Seriously, around here I think a lot of it has to do with a Scandinavian work ethic. Your work – any and all kinds – is how you prove your worth. Idleness = laziness = sin.
That, plus, as you say, the insane quest for “more” – even more accomplishments (who cares if they matter; they’re done!!).
It’s a good spiritual conversation, and I intend to keep having it! Thanks!
David, as my old German Mother used to say, “I mean it good.” The following reflections are offered in that spirit.
I hear you loud and clear. I’m a 70 year old retired community change agent who worked 30 years in the Alberta government sector and experienced two doses of burnout. Took heat from my wife one day while driving in Edmonton when she caught me holding the phone with my right hand, making notes with my left, and steering with my knee. Meaningful comments to your post are above my pay grade (pension) but I will offer four.
1. The cemetery is full of indispensable people.
2. I have church volunteered during ten years of retirement (Anglican, and more recently Lutheran) in an futile attempt to share career skills to assist both churches in stated change initiatives. Trust me, personal experience reveals that these people are not early adopters in the change arena.
3. God, family, and work in that order (paid or volunteer)
4. Suggest that you have a look at this website:
“https://hbr.org/2015/04/build-an-organization-thats-less-busy-and-more-strategic?utm_source=Socialflow&utm_medium=Tweet&utm_campaign=Socialflow”
and do a mental “find and replace” from business environment to church environment. Identify and feed the greatest return on resources and starve the others in an evolutionary manner.
Best of everything and take care of yourself; tomorrow’s church needs your sustainable contribution.
Have you run across this interview with Brené Brown? It’s an excellent companion piece to your post, in my opinion.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/exhaustion-is-not-a-status-symbol/2012/10/02/19d27aa8-0cba-11e2-bb5e-492c0d30bff6_story.html
Gilda, thank you so much for sharing this link. It verbalizes why, after 53 years of regular church attendance I am seriously and prayerfully (how’s that for an oxymoron)considering parting ways with organized religion. I can’t even forward a jewel such as the above link to people within my church without a deafening silence. Where are the seminaries in this?(rhetorical question)
They need 22 pastors in our Synod this year; they’re graduating two. I am nonplussed; I can’t stand to watch it any more.
Thank you again
Thanks for sharing this, Gilda. I love Brene and she really frames things well.
David,
Today, I slowed down long enough to read your blog to the end. I’m glad that I did, otherwise I would have emailed you this response instead of posting it here.
Thank you for the Confessions of St. David (Lose).
Together, perhaps God will find a way to turn us from human doings into human beings, in the image of God.
In Christ Jesus,
James
David – Thank you (I think) for your mother lode of Holy Week and Easter treasures. I was a little uncomfortable with the time I was spending, but I did benefit from your “work”.
And isn’t that the key. Maybe it’s not “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well . . . or maybe doing better” and instead “if it’s worthy doing, it’s worth doing to make life a little better for others.” Thanks for making my life a little better today.
Enough. Back to work. 🙂
Thanks David for the conversation on “life pitfalls”. As one who shares some of your issues in “living a meaningful life” through feeling good that the to-do lists are completed, crossed off and moved off to another list (and who also on occasion has even created a to do list just to mark if if…ah the adrenaline rush of a task completed…the list…the list). And so I too have struggled with the same issues…but how different it is…NOW…that I am “in-between” and “without call”…how does that work (or worth) that was so seminal in the equation for meaningful life get so messed up…and lost when it is lost. But I ask you, who is fooling whom…we do indeed get caught as it were with achieving the goals (parading our own self-worth or worthless self as the case may be) and forgetting (or losing sight of) why we even started the cherished project in the first place. Thankfully we are not left on our own in this…I wonder about the overzealous Sainted Paul on occasion as he encourages (admonishes) those new recruits…to “run the race…to seize the crown of victory”. Lofty goals…we need them…yes…but so also that other side…for contemplation and even forgetfulness…to “Be still and to know our God!”
More to come…but at least this is off the list!
I wanted to reply so I can delete this off my to do list! I felt it was important enough to put it on there since you were writing about so much of how I feel. You are not the only one struggling with this. I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I love to complete projects, delete them from my list or see my stack of to do quilting projects get lower! I can have something on my shopping list that I don’t need immediately, but seeing it there drives me crazy until I can delete it.
My whole adult life(I’m 51) has been busy volunteering, with kids activities, events at church, and recently HS youth group. On top of working full time I was getting exhausted and didn’t even know what I really enjoyed any more. Last fall I made a drastic change. I backed off on my volunteering commitments. I have to say it has been so nice. I feel selfish, but really needed time to have some quality quiet, reflective time. I have time to walk my dogs, which I need as much as they do. It was the right time for me and it was what I needed. I am very selective about what I say yes to now.
I appreciate your writings David. Thank you for taking the time, but it’s ok to take a day, two or more off whenever you need to.
This is my 4th attempt at a reply, I’m sure I didn’t say all I planned to but I want you to know how much I can relate to so much of what you wrote. It is comforting to know I’m not as bizarre as I sometimes wonder.
Have a good day!
Pam
As a pastor, I am feeling the after Easter blues. I love Lent and Holy Week, the Triduum. In our synod we have a pastoral conference which meets for 3 and a half days at Chico Hot Springs resort. As much as I would like to soak in hot water with my pastor friends, hear great presentations from great church leaders, and experience engaging worship, the last thing I wanted to do was be beholden to a schedule and be surrounded by a crush of people – even though they are pastors I love and care about. I wanted to be alone. I know what Jesus felt when he sought a quiet place to be by himself and pray. I need this quiet time to reflect, contemplate and regroup my spiritual, emotional and intellectual resources.
Thank you for offering this bit of wisdom. We do not find Jesus in our ‘lists’, we find Jesus in those we meet and serve. Jesus comes to us when we least expect it, I doubt we could ever schedule a time to be with Jesus on our itinerary.
I connected with this post on a very deep level. I am a recovering perfectionist, over-doer, list-maker and busy person. Over the years, there’ve been so many things I’ve enjoyed doing, loved doing, felt driven to do, and wanted to give of myself to help others. This became a vicious cycle of doing, doing, doing without taking time for myself to just BE.
To be still was something foreign to me and a task that was difficult and painful when I tried to do it.
I had a crash course on being still when my body broke down from doing, doing, doing too much.
Here’s what I learned (the hard way)….it’s as important to be still and listen, to empty ourselves and just “be” as it is to go out and “do”. Without being still and listening to the small voice within, we’re not restoring our soul, our heart or listening for what God has for us to hear. We run on energy that feeds the ego not on energy coming from the source within. We have to seek and find a balance of doing and being.
All things you write about are important and work for the good of all….what could be wrong with that? Not a thing is wrong with that. But, like a young woman growing up and doing activities she enjoys doing, who goes off to school and takes a job to help pay expenses and crams it all in to make it work. Then, she graduates,gets married and has a child. She continues to work but now has the added responsibilities of home, husband, child and also continues to do all the things she loves. She doesn’t want to give anything up so she gets less sleep and takes no time for herself to restore. She runs on reserves and adrenaline for years as she adds more important things to her “to do” list. She becomes a human doing and has pride in all that she does. People look up to her and marvel at all she does. At some point in life, she will get the “crash course” on being still when her body collapses.
As a layperson, I’ve been involved in church doings for years and have enjoyed most of it. I don’t have the credentials to give advice but I can share what I’ve heard in the still moments when my ears have been open to hear. We need to become church beings…we need to stop the busy-ness, slow down and come to a halt at given times. We need to embrace the gift of the spirit within….we need to talk about this when we’re at home and when we’re away. We need to be human beings….to be empty vessels waiting to be filled, humble, quiet, peaceful….to be as good at being as we are at doing.